Control

Inner wildness, can I control it? I believe I can, if I want to. But many a times I miss control over my inner wildness.

What do I mean by inner wildness? It's nothing but a state when myself doesn't like me as a person. When my soul doesn't feel good being in my body. However I try, I can not come out of the body. So I get angry. I see people around and I also shout at them (most of the times unnecessarily!) They get hurt and then I get no choice of overcoming that emotion which I impressed on them. The moment left - never comes back. I have been always saying this. I need to be totally present and controlled in every moment. But I am not yet!

Okay, can I also think that wildness is a feeling of being helpless? Helpless over circumstances. Helpless about the path I chose (which I had to choose)? Helpless about the outcomes of walking on that path? One knows and one never knows!! Do I sound very confusing to you? May be I intend to do so, but I know what I am writing and why. It is not meant for anyone to understand. And if think you do, you are misunderstanding. :)

What is my life meant for? Is it just doing some technical stuff, learning some programming fundas, cooking and writing blogs? I still keep checking my blog everyday like 'did anyone posted any comment?' But I am waiting for the day when I just write a blog and not expect comment and don't check it explicitly as a separate activity. It is not that I don't like comments and I don't like people reading my blog.

Let me explain! When I do something, it should not lead me towards an endless sufferingful net of expectation. Even if it just a matter of blogging!

Today, I have few more topics on my mind and hence will keep writing about them. But of course a separate topic for each.

~KrupA.